Learning to Talk

Last night I was driving home from Publix and realized I was about to burst into tears. I had no idea why. I felt stressed, anxious and mildly annoyed. I needed a way to clear my head, to figure out what was bothering me. So, I did what I always do – I called Emily.

Since 1993 in Mrs. Davis’s third grade class, Emily and I have been inseparable, sharing and overanalyzing everything. We frequently stayed up late during sleepovers acting like therapists, sharing our frustrations with siblings, parents or teachers. We discussed our classmates and dissected their personalities. Once we even assigned code names – Coke, Sprite and Captain – to boys in our class so we could talk about them without the threat of eavesdroppers.

We attended different colleges in different states, but we remained best friends despite more than 300 miles of distance. Along the way, we have had more than our share of blowups and misunderstandings, heartaches and disappointments, but there is still no one else on earth who can talk with me like she can. She helps me process life and keeps me sane because of her commitment to real, honest conversation with me. I believe this commitment is an essential element of forming close relationships of all kinds.

Sometimes honest conversations can be difficult. So often we like to project to others the self we wish we were. But in real conversations, you are forced to expose yourself, blemishes and all, to another person, and you make yourself vulnerable to them.

My relationship and conversations with Emily have helped me tremendously in other relationships. My mother-in-law also shares a love for meaningful conversation. My love for her has grown exponentially over the last few years because we have deep discussions about theology, heartbreak, our joys, our past mistakes and more. She and I know each other much better now and therefore can love each other more fully.

My marriage has been strengthened because I am comfortable sharing my innermost thoughts with another person. My husband, on the other hand, has never had an Emily, so he sometimes finds it difficult to open up. I have to assume the position of the therapist again and try to drag it out of him. Despite the difficulty, we’re committed to one another and make a concerted effort to communicate. We’re most fulfilled when we’re regularly having real conversation because we feel like we’re headed in the same direction.

Deep conversations with Emily have always been the foundation of our friendship. While she knows me better than anyone else, she also helps me know myself. She can point out the parts of myself I can’t see or that I’d rather deny – one of the most important benefits of real, honest conversations. Our friendship is undoubtedly special, but these conversations are possible in any loving relationship if both parties are committed.

I sincerely believe in deep conversation with those we love simply because it has significantly impacted my life. I cannot imagine who I would be without Emily’s presence in my life, helping me, teaching me and encouraging me. I freely and openly share my thoughts with her – good, bad, and ugly – and she accepts me. All of me. Not just the me I want to project, but the real me.